Tales From the Terran Republic

Business was jumping, or rather humping, at the Drop of Oil, as always.

Craxina happily perused the xeno flea market that had sprung up along the sidewalk and spilled over into the parking lot of the shopping center next door.

The owners of the shopping center didn’t mind. The extra foot traffic was more than welcome these days, and Craxina had personally ensured that all interested parties had been properly “compensated”.

And for those who weren’t… free coffee, the one bribe almost certain to work on any Terran.

It coming from Charlotte’s coffee laboratory only sweetened the deal… sweetened precisely and with just the right amount of synthcream.

As she was admiring a lovely set of woven placemats, Neeph scuttled up.

“Craxina! Craxina!”

Craxina looked up in alarm.

“What?” she asked with a worried tone.

“Who?”

“Nama! You know, Uhrrbet’s potter?”

“What happened?”

“He just… died… He went to sleep and didn’t wake up!”

“Oh, that sucks! How is Uhrrbet?”

“She’s real torn up over it. She canceled our meeting. For Uhrrbet to cancel, well, anything, you know it has to be bad.”

“Yeah, that’s…”

“Right?”

“Do they know what happened?”

“Yes! Turns out that when he was a slave… Oh! You knew he was a slave, right?”

“Um…”

“Well anyway, he was, and he got exposed to something called ‘imp altherium’ and ‘bee’s toast’…”

“Do you mean, impervium and asbestos?”

“Yeah! Those!”

“Shit… How’s… How did Uhrrbet take the news?”

“Oh, she is mad! I’ve never seen her this angry, even when she messed up all that velvet! Not even when those silos beat me up!”

“Oh, dear,” Craxina said, her tail poofing out.

This was going to be bad. She could already smell the vanilla.

“Maybe I’ll drop by later,” Craxina said, “Our people bring treats when something like this happens. I’ll get her something.”

“I thought you guys would… you know…”

“We do that all the time, anyway. When something really bad happens, we bring cake... then we fuck them.”

“We give them booze.”

“I thought you couldn’t drink.”

“We can’t drink alcohol,” Neeph replied, “we drink something else… I think the Terran use it as antifreeze.”

“You drink propylene glycol?!?”

“Is that antifreeze?”

“The most common one. The Terrans use it in their water based cooling systems to keep them from freezing when it gets cold.”

“Then that’s what we drink.”

“Neeph, just when I think I’ve figured you out, you just get weirder.”

“Well, you drink window cleaner! You have no room to talk!”

Craxina just chuckled and shook her head.

“I suppose so.”

***

Not much later, Craxina walked into Uhrrbet’s dress shop carrying a small white box and found Uhrrbet sitting at the bistro table, along with a human dressed in beaded buckskin with silver and turquoise jewelry and a well-dressed Kalesh male.

“Oh, sorry,” Craxina said, “I didn’t know you were busy. I just brought you some macarons… I… I couldn’t find a nice enough cake around here.

“Thank you,” Uhrrbet said, “You didn’t have to do that, but they will go well with our tea!”

“It’s… It’s what we do when…”

“I see,” Uhrrbet replied as if she didn’t have a care in the world, “Then I doubly appreciate the gift. Nama loved cookies. I shall eat them in remembrance of a wonderful associate.”

“He will be missed,” the man in buckskin said solemnly.

“Allow me to introduce Jackson Whitefeather of the Republic Artisan’s Alliance and Chad Hol’darun who is with the Department of Education. We are setting up a memorial for dear Nama, a fund for xenos wishing to develop their native crafts and Terran businesses related to the same.”

“A very generous one,” Chad said, dipping his eyestalks in respect.

“You are just being kind,” Uhrrbet said as she nibbled a macaron. “These are excellent, Craxina. Wherever did you get them down here?”

“I didn’t,” Craxina said, “I got them through Zip Eats. I know you prefer we spend local, but…”

“It’s fine,” Uhrrbet said, “and once again, it’s appreciated.”

“I’ll be going,” Craxina said, “I don’t want to intrude.”

“We have completed our business,” Uhrrbet said, “Once again, gentlebeings, I thank you for your time… And I can personally assure you that the fund will grow… significantly, once I properly honor my dear friend.”

Jack Whitefeather smiled grimly, and Chad narrowed his multiple eyes, their equivalent of the same.

“Concerning that other matter,” Jack said as he rose and laid his hand on Uhrrbet’s shoulder, causing her whiskers to quiver with alarm ever so slightly, “I will be in touch.”

“I, too, shall see what I can do,” Chad added, lowering and spreading his eyes unconsciously as they did before entering combat. “You should be pleasantly surprised.”

“Once again, I appreciate it,” Uhrrbet said with a smooth and polished voice. “I look forward to seeing you again.”

Once the pair left, Uhrrbet smiled a vicious smile.

“I take it that there is something else you want to discuss?”

“I just wanted to see how you are doing?”

“And how I intend to avenge Nama’s demise?”

Craxina looked into Uhrrbet’s eyes and shuddered. Oh, this was definitely worse than the Silar.

“…No?”

“A wise decision,” Uhrrbet replied. “You may see some new people about the neighborhood, and Charlotte may wish to get extra chocolate.”

“The Z’uush?”

Uhrrbet smiled, baring her petite but very sharp fangs.

“Ooooookay… More chocolate…”

“And oyster shells. A quick google should reveal the preferred method of preparation as well as the going rate for them. You should be able to make quite the profit. I understand that they combine the two, now.”

“And how many… guests… should we expect?”

“I think they travel in groups of between five to six. So, twelve at most.”

“You are hiring two Z’uush crews?”

“To start, dear associate,” Uhrrbet replied regally, “To start.”

***

Later that afternoon, Uhrrbet sat primly on the sofa in the sitting room of Evoron’s suite, sipping tea.

“These are called ‘macarons’?” Evoron asked with amazement.

“They are,” Uhrrbet replied. “Not bad, are they?”

“Not at all!” Evoron enthused, “They are not unlike a similar delight from home.”

“They would not be unlike if they are similar,” Uhrrbet smiled, “Thus the term ‘similar’.”

“Are you always so contrary?”

“Only to my friends,” Uhrrbet said.

“Well, I will consider this quite the honor, then.”

“As you should,” she said with her posh business voice. “And since we are friends…”

“And here it comes,” Evoron chuckled. “I take it this concerns poor Nama?”

“That it does.”

“I’m all ears,” Evoron replied, “Please don’t bite them.”

“Pay attention, and I won’t.”

***

[Serpent’s Lair Secure Relay Chat]

Diamondback: Who the fuck is this Viper guy?

Adder: I have no clue.

Hognose: Me either. They just showed up the other day.

Diamondback: With that name?

Boomslang: Coral tried to give them some static over it, and we all know what happened next.

Diamondback: How is she, anyway?

Mamba: I got a text. Everything she owns is bricked… Everything… Even her toaster!

Diamondback: Sounds like they need an attitude adjustment.

Mamba: Considering that they claim to be a blackhack, you might want to reconsider.

Diamondback: Are they a blackhack, or do they say they are a blackhack?

Viper: What sort of idiot would claim to be a blackhack if they can’t back it up? And it’s rude to talk behind someone’s back, darling. :*

Adder: Hello, Viper.

Viper: Mamba, you are in communication with Coral?

Mamba: What the fuck? Did you hack our chat?

Viper: I was bored, dear. You guys should really tighten things up a little. I have a lovely encryption package I could sell you.

Diamondback: So you can eavesdrop using a backdoor?

Viper: Well, nobody else would. :D

Diamondback: Don’t get cocky, Viper. I don’t care if you are a blackhack I can still fuck up your entire

Mamba: Diamondback?

Viper: Diamondback is having a little problem. I’m sure a master hacker like him will be able to figure it out. You really shouldn’t link to the darkweb while operating a vehicle, BTW.

Diamondback: YOU ALMOST KILLED ME YOUASSHOLE!!!1!!

Viper: Oh, don’t be so melodramatic, all electric vehicles can be steered without power, and the breaks have a manual backup. You just have to pump them a little… which you obviously knew… you know… because we are still conversing. :*

Adder: Uncool, dude! Uncool! We don’t do that to each other!

Viper: Are all of you such drama queens? I didn’t hurt him, just proved that I am indeed capable of blackwork AND that he really shouldn’t threaten random people on the internet. Some of them can reach through the screen. And speaking of drama queens, Mamba, you said you are in contact with Coral?

Mamba: Yeah?

Viper: Has she said that she’s sorry, that she regrets her actions?

Mamba: She has said quite a few words, but “sorry” isn’t one of them. :D

She does bitterly regret her actions, though. Did you have to kill her Roomba? That was just mean.

Viper: While I have never been accused of being kind, I am not a complete bitch. Her belongings aren’t destroyed, they are just locked down. All she has to do is enter or say, “Coral is a dumb dumb potato kumquat who is truly sorry and will never trouble Viper again.” and everything will be fine.

Adder: I don’t know whether to hate you or not, but I’m never fucking with you.

Mamba: I’m texting her now. Thanks, Viper.

Viper: Think nothing of it, dear. Now if you will excuse me, I just had someone contact me about a little errand.

Adder: Is it blackwork?

Viper: Let’s just call it a grey job. :D

***

“That can certainly be arranged,” Evoron said as he sipped his karoot, something he brought from

home. “I will also take care to not cross you if at all possible and to kill you if I must do so.”

“That is one of the things I find so attractive about you,” Uhrrbet chuckled, “your intelligence.”

“And you just came up with this last night?”

“Looking at Nama’s dog bed inspired me,” Uhrrbet said darkly.

“Dog bed?” Evoron asked. “Aren’t they livestock?”

“I used to give Nama lessons about Terran language and customs,” Uhrrbet said nostalgically, fighting back tears.

She took a moment to recover, hiding her oozing snout with her teacup.

“And I shall now give you your very first one,” she said as she wiped her nose. “Don’t call dogs ‘livestock’. The Terrans will not like it.”

“But aren’t they?” Evoron asked, a tad confused.

“Maybe,” Uhrrbet replied, “they are an animal that is nominally used for work, but under no circumstances use that term. The Terrans tend to associate ‘livestock’ with ‘food’. Terrans would rather be accused of cannibalism than eating a dog.”

She smirked.

“And most of them would do just that.”

“What a strange people.”

“You have no idea,” Uhrrbet snorted.

“What do we call dogs, then?”

“You call them ‘dogs’,” Uhrrbet laughed, “same goes with cats. They can also be safely termed ‘companion animals’ or ‘pets’. Another very important tip. Do not go after someone’s pet.”

“Why would I ever would I do that?” Evoron asked with a cocked head. “I would just go after their family instead.”

“For the Terrans, they are one and the same. They will view an attack on their companion animal in the same light as an attack on a family member. Actually, it can be worse.”

“Worse?”

“The Terrans assume and expect a certain level of… formidability… from their kin. They view their pets as defenseless and innocent, just as if it was a young child. You take down someone’s spouse or even an adolescent child, then it was a ‘fight’, maybe not a fair one, but a fight nonetheless. Oh, they will still come after you in the way only a Terran can…”

Or a certain Garthra, Evoron thought with a smile as his admiration grew even more.

“…but a pet? They are defenseless. It is the same as killing or maiming a child… and they will be brutal. Not only will they be absolutely merciless, but they also will likely not face any legal repercussions for skinning you alive and turning you into a hat. I have no idea why they say they will turn you into a hat, but I know for a fact that they will. Scan the haberdashery of some of the old humans if you doubt me.”

“Wow, not even we do things like that!”

“You aren’t Terran,” Uhrrbet snort-chuckled, “Don’t forget what they did to us just a few years ago. There is no overkill like Terran overkill.”

“Or Uhrrbet overkill,” Evoron snickered, “I almost feel sorry for those slavers… almost. What sort of fool traffics sophonts in the Republic?”

“Someone who was making a lot of money and getting away with it… until they trafficked my friend,” Uhrrbet said with a perfectly steady voice, but her eyes were filled with pain. “I will identify them, and when I do…”

Her phone chirped.

“Speaking of,” she smiled, “This is who I hope can help with just that.”

“Mind if I listen in?” Evoron asked. “I am dying to see you work.”

“Of course,” Uhrrbet replied smoothly, “You are going to be an accessory, after all.”

She swiped her phone, and a blurred, shadowy figure appeared on her screen.

“Viper, I assume?” Uhrrbet said in her regal business voice.

“A assume you are Uhrrbet,” a silky feminine voice replied, “However, I also assumed you would be alone. Who is your friend?”

“How do you know I’m not alone?”

“That will cost extra,” the “mysterious woman” replied.

“Add it to my balance,” Uhrrbet said, “and talk.”

“Very well,” the woman replied, “cheap burner phones have cheap burner security. I owned your phone the moment you answered.”

“Impressive.”

“Even a cheap phone has a front and rear camera. I love your jacket, mystery Threen.”

“Am I a mystery?” Evoron asked.

“Evoron,” the woman replied, “you are quite the enigma. The word 'mystery' definitely applies.”

“I don’t like her,” Evoron replied with a smile.

“It is a good demonstration of her ability… if it is indeed a ‘her,’” Uhrrbet said evenly. “I trust you can do the same with Zip?”

“It is considerably more difficult,” the woman replied, “and thus, far more expensive. Two hundred thousand credits, to be exact.”

“That’s outrageous!” Uhrrbet exclaimed.

“So is asking someone to hack the Zipnet. Outrageous jobs come with outrageous price tags, dear.”

“That is more than I can…”

“Please, dear, give me at least a little credit,” the woman purred, “You likely have that in your pocket right now… or at least in available funds. Isn’t your friend worth—”

“Silence!” Uhrrbet snapped, “You shall not invoke his name! How dare you bring such into a negotiation!”

“My apologies,” the woman replied, “However, my point remains. You have real motivation to get this information. I not only can hack Zipnet, I already have. Assuming you are interested in Nama’s former ‘employers’ that is.”

“…”

“The moment I receive payment is the moment you get that information. By all means, feel free to try to engage someone else, pay them, and then pay the next hacker when they fail. Then, you can send me my fee and get the information you can have right… now.”

“Fifty thousand.”

“You must be joking.”

“You are in possession of something that is only of value to me,” Uhrrbet replied, “You can either receive fifty thousand, or you just undertook no small measure of effort and risk for nothing.”

“I like you,” the woman chuckled. “One seventy-five.”

“One hundred.”

“One fifty, and don’t annoy me further.”

“One twenty-five.”

The woman sighed, and the lights in Evoron’s suite flickered ominously.

“One thirty-five?”

“I’ll give to you for one hundred thousand now,” the woman said, “for my skill. Then, after you ply your trade, you will give me one millioncredits and don’t even think about stiffing me. You won’t like what happens when you do.”

“One hundred now and a quarter million when I’m done.”

“Fuck! One hundred now and half a million, or I’m hanging up.”

Uhrrbet smiled. They were starting to waver.

“Fifteen now and, should I succeed, which I will,” Uhrrbet said, "I will pay you a full million. It shouldn't be a problem after I'm done with them. Agree, and you will have your down payment by the beginning of the next business day."

“Why can’t you simply say ‘tomorrow’?”

“Why can’t you simply get an IT job?”

The woman laughed.

“Deal. Tomorrow, then. And, if you have need of my services in the future, feel free to contact me.”

“I shall bear that in mind, thank you.”

The call ended.

“You would haggle with a pay toilet, wouldn’t you?” Evoron snickered.

“Pay toilets?!?” Uhrrbet exclaimed, “That’s brilliant!”

“Oh, by the hells,” Evoron mock moaned, “What have I done?”

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